I like to surround myself with positive people, in a positive atmosphere with positive energy….. Maybe that’s why I don’t go to church…I’m too scared to be surrounded by all those sinners. Kinda like being in Jail ??
Sitting in the pew, I’m thinking to myself there sure are a lot of old timers here, a lot of lifers. And their gang name, “Bible Thumpers”… I was doomed. I wanted to know what I was up against, so I turned to the guy beside me and asked, “What are you in for?”. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and responded in gibberish. I don’t know what the heck he said, but it sure sounded like he had too many tongues. Maybe it was the wine and not enough bread?
That’s when someone handed me this wicker basket called an offering plate. Holy crap, if I don’t put something in it, the guy at the front was going to turn me into his alter boy! I’ve watched YouTube videos, I was fully aware of places just like this. So I threw in a pack of smokes. I don’t smoke but it’s the currency in places like this, I’m pretty sure. The guy beside me gave me a really dirty look, so I asked him, “Whaaat, did you want one?”.
The show started with one guy being placed in a big bathtub where he was dunked underwater, several times. Geez….the US army was criticized for water-boarding to get confessions…wait until they hear about this! Confessions were coming out left, right, and center!
There was a lot of splashing, but the guy was eventually allowed up to breath. Now I’m shaking, but still trying to maintain my cool. I tapped the guy’s shoulder in front of me, “Poor bastard should never have dropped the soap.”
Oh, and don’t make eye contact. If you do they’ll invite you to the church basement for “coffee”. Damn, I just made eye contact. The lady on the other side of me stated, “You should join us in the basement for coffee.”. Oh hell no! That’s where the devil lives! So now I’m in the basement scared for my life. The first thing I see…a statue of a guy nailed to a cross, wearing a crown of thorns. I almost crapped myself, I ran out waving my arms above my head screaming!
Standing outside, it felt so good to see the light…
I went for a beer. I don’t drink but today was an exception.